I remember having a conversation with one of my Ph.D. student friends a couple of years ago about her advisor. She was having trouble getting in to meet with him.
"The problem is, he trusts me too much," I remember her saying. "He knows even if he doesn't have time to meet with me, he's sure I'll do everything well anyway."
Being, probably, a little more naive, I imagined basking in a similar degree of (merited) confidence, and it didn't seem like too hard of a problem. After all, she really does do everything well.
Now I feel like that's my difficulty. Not the confidence, although the silence from my committee, and, to some extent, from my loving family and friends is getting loud enough to hear with the dishwasher running (as it so often is).
No, the problem is doing everything well.
Is it because I'm a woman that I let my roles swallow me up, until I am emptied out from them all, and lost? Or do men feel this way?
I have paid for my place. I am emptied out with the cost of it. I will not give it up for any man. So the heroine says in Paladin of Souls. Yes. But I am no heroine, and nothing is coming in to fill me up again. In Paladin of Souls, it is the gods' grace that does so. I must be emptying myself out for the wrong place.
I don't think I even have time to find the right place for kenosis. But I do wonder if this is why Jesus' crucified body so often has a feminine aspect.
2 comments:
I suspect it's an issue for many women. I heard a great homily from a good friend who said, "put your oxygen mask on before helping others". When things get crazy around the house and I'm poured out like water, my husband will sometimes lean over and murmur "put your oxygen mask on" and nudge me out the door for a walk.
Hey, I wonder if you'll get to see this since I'm commenting on something so old. Let me know if you do! I gotta start on your backlog somewhere. :)
Guys often let roles swallow them up too. As a matter of fact, many of them seem to relish this. Lots of guys seem love getting lost in work, and nothing much else.
Not me though. I sorta feel the same way you seem to, and with the concomitant self-confidence issue (I read in The Sexual Paradox that almost all successful professional women, no matter how good, fancy themselves as something of a fraud. I confess to sharing this paranoia!)
Also, there's something eerily ironic about speaking first to a post about silence! Consider this a tentative first step in the right direction of dialogue. :)
In addition I finally got round to reading the two emails you sent me. Your book proposal seems awesome, and I bet it would read beautifully. It seems to bring together many of the threads in your life in a very interesting and new way. I wish you well with it! I think it has a lot of potential.
In this increasingly overlong comment, you've made me think of something I got at a Baptist service a few weeks back from a now-minister I went to school with in middle school, Fred Hinton. It's a bookmark, entitled "Good People vs. Christians", written by him and which I enjoyed greatly. Here it is, in its entirety:
Good people go to church
Christians are the church
Good people do what is right
Christians do what is righteous
Good people forgive
Christians forgive and restore
Good people obey man
Christians obey God
Good people die and have a funeral
Christians have a homegoing celebration
Good people seek knowledge
Christians seek wisdom
Good people stop habits
Christians get delivered
Good people arm themselves with guns
Christians put on the whole armor of God
Good people know about God
Christians know God and God knows them
Good people have many likes
Christians have one love
Good people wish the sick well
Christians pray for healing
Good people fear the world
Christians fear God
Good people have good heart
Christians have a good spirit
Good people say I'm sorry
Christians ask for forgiveness
Good people live by values
Christians live by faith
Good people have happiness
Christians have joy and praise
Good people talk about the bible
Christians live the bible
Good people love because of
Christians love in spite of
Good people seek luck
Christians seek God's favor
Good people are talented
Christians are anointed
Good people have riches
Christians have prosperity
Good people take credit for their success
Christians give God all the glory
Not perfect but it has some interesting ideas. I think Mr. Hinton has a lot of talent and a good ministerial career ahead of him. :)
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