Well, Thomas's heart looks good, but not quite as good as last time. His cardiologist is being cautious and didn't take any medicines away. Luckily Thomas really likes his medicines.
As anyone who's been a Ph.D. student or a mom, not to mention both, will know, I've been a little frazzled lately. Between the job market, the dissertation, the toddler, and the inevitable householdish tasks (which I hate, can I stop living in our world now and go live in one where things Just Work? where you don't have to call the insurance companies to find out why they both refused a bill they're both responsible for and the landlord's gas doesn't get shut off, so the dryer has heat?), I've been walking the thin line between sanity and... well, we all know what's on the other side of that line.
Friday I had an icky day, nothing major, just no end to the minor frustrations, together with the continual major frustration of knowing I was within a couple hours of having that draft ready--a couple hours I didn't have! Matt brought me home some dried apricots and chocolate covered almonds. I'm embarrassed to record here for posterity how many there were, but I will admit I finished them all by Monday.
Today was another yucky day. I was a little disappointed in the cardiology result (he's doing so well, clinically speaking). Worse, Thomas was terrified when they put the electrodes on him to do his EKG today. He's always loved cardiology appointments in the past -- they are a children's hospital, so there are lots of kids and everybody makes a huge fuss over him. But now he is a toddler and suddenly scared of things. The electrodes scared him so then he didn't want anybody to touch him the rest of the day. Except me, thankfully. His cardiologist is great -- knows this age and his personality and was very gentle and talked to him respectfully -- and once everybody else left he did reluctantly let her examine him and even smiled at her. And she is not worried about the echo results so I won't worry either -- at least this is what I keep telling everyone and myself. I miss Amy.
So tonight, between pushing myself so hard lately and this unfortunate day and no caffeine all day -- I was too busy to make tea this morning and had neither cash nor time to get anything at the hospital -- I was drained by the time Matt got home. He sent me to bed. ("Go lie down!" is something you can usually only get away with saying to your dog.) I made myself a cup of chai with milk and more sugar than I usually put in a whole pot, and lay down to reread one of my theological fantasy books.
That got me started thinking -- what is the line between self-care and self-indulgence? Does it only start to be self-indulgent if you aren't grateful?
I'm grateful. And I'm also grateful for this time right now, which I'm using to upload three whole months (yikes!) worth of pictures, mostly of Thomas, to our gallery. Since there were so many, there are updates in a bunch of different albums -- it's like a scavenger hunt! Enjoy.
Oh, I forgot to mention my brush with fame in one of my favorite blogs. What extraordinary talent or quality of learning does my newfound (and no doubt shortlived) notoriety rest on, you ask? Why, knowledge of outdated internet memes, of course!
I live to serve the internet.
4 comments:
You must be a machine or something, Kim. You sound a bit disappointed and frazzled (if I may say so), but you seem like a superwoman (TM) to me. :) I think your worst days are like my best. Too bad Thomas isn't old enough to appreciate what a great mom he has. I'm sure he will in time.
I think they say in the Bible that we're like a mist, barely appearing on Earth, to be whisked away without a trace someday. I got a lot out of that. I guess the idea there is that we appreciate what we have and how lucky we are each day.
- Dave Y.
What a day to weather...and without tea!
You're an awesome mom, truly, to manage all of these things and be writing a thesis at the same time...
So eat the treats and do lie down....
Thanks to both of you. Some days being a super(wo)man (of either gender) is just too hard! And my expectations of myself are high enough that I feel like setbacks are failure.
I think Thomas does appreciate me, actually. Like God, he doesn't measure success according to the same measures we human beings do -- being his mom is enough to ensure his love. There's something I can be grateful for every day, like you say.
And Michelle, I'm eating cookies and milk as we speak. Chocolate chip cookies, even.
Hurrah for the cookies and milk! Self-care is not self-indulgent, it's good practice.
If you get a chance (AFTER the conference)...send me an email at mfrancl@brynmawr.edu? I have something to send along (that alas can't go virtually...).
My oldest threw himself sobbing into my arms last night (social studies essay was the proximate cause), and I was transported back to when he was little (and also draped over my shoulder, now he can because he's taller than I am). And now he can say how much he appreciates me, which he did tonight.
grace and peace!
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