My birthday is such an ambivalent experience. Every year it's full of fragmented, terrible, involuntary memories of that day that I almost lost my son. Moments when I almost made the wrong decision -- the things that could have happened. The light I accidentally ran on the way to the hospital (did this make the difference?) -- guilt over the moments before I realized there was something wrong (how could I have taken him out to breakfast?) -- the conversation with Matt about the hospital -- the deep embarrassment that I was surely overreacting -- the terror of the trauma room -- the dimly remembered days of uncertainty -- my hands, strangely empty without him, on the back of the cold pews in the church down the street from the hospital. The taste of fear.
I can't quite escape it even now. I felt guilty about leaving Julie at day care today. Even though I know she is fine, I am irrationally worried about her. She wore the same coat to school that Thomas wore to the hospital three years ago. We have unseasonable cold weather just like that day. I shouldn't have let her out of my sight.
That way lies madness, and I know tomorrow will be fine.
Turning 30 doesn't make me feel any older. It's that 27th birthday that is still aging me.
5 comments:
All is well. But do I know these feelings! My ride to the ER with Tom was right after my 29th birthday (and in Holy Week). I'm ambivalent about birthdays, too (Holy Week on the other hand, feels all too real!) -- and find myself unwilling to let those I love out of my sight.
Grace and peace....
Those were such awful days. Seeing him in the hospital was very surreal. You've always taken great care of him and I'm so very thankful that he and Julie are doing so well now.
Take care...
Thanks to all who talked to me. I felt better as soon as the kids were both home, and fine all night. Matt reminded me that this is the first year since that Thomas (and now Julie too) have been away from me on my birthday.
i know this wasn't your intent, but reading this makes me admire you even more.
(i actually remember david sending me excited IMs announcing thomas' birth -- and later letting me know of his health condition. needless to say, i was so so so delighted meet a very healthy- and happy-looking thomas this summer. :))
KB - every parent has a unlimited supply of "what if's". But what you are not focusing on is the real "what if's"...
What if I didn't notice the signs of my child getting sick? What if I had given in to my fear that I was over-reacting? What if I didn't follow that inner-voice that told me something was wrong? What if I wasn't a good parent? Those are the questions you should be focusing on.
Thomas was given a new lease on life that day. It wasn't shortened by inaction and neglect. And now, because you are who you are, you have a daughter who did not suffer how Thomas suffered that day.
You shared your birthday with Thomas and gave him a very special gift. Don't ever forget that!
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